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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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5:20 pm
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Back with a mother-fucking-vengeance! Holy hell, it's been a while. I was forced into... ahem... rehab. I'm a cow again. But I'm outta the spotlight. I've also moved cities again. Away from friends and family members who'll discourage my progress.
As of tomorrow, I'll be cutting my calorie intake back down 400. It's a lot, I know. But I've been eating the 'non ana' way for so long I'll need to get my body back to normal. Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be able to get back down to 100 per day, and then we'll see!
I'm not going to embarrassed myself by announcing my current. Since my family is no longer worried, you can imagine how awful I look.
Tonight, I'm going to throw a going away party to food. I'll eat my favourties knowing that tomorrow everything will be alright.
current mood:  determined
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 12th, 2004
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1:07 pm
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hahah No, I'm dead.
Far from it infact! I had actually forgotten about this poor journal until a recent comment from someone accusing me of starving myself to death. I wish!! But sadly, no.
Things are different. Things are new. I've fallen off track the last month due to a nasty fight with depression. I'm slowly getting thing back together and reducing my calorie intake again. I'm going to try and keep updating as I find keep a journal great motivation! I've also started carrying my thinspiration notebook around again. Funny how pictures can help so much.
I hope everyone reading this is doing well. :)
current mood: determined
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, August 8th, 2003
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10:53 am
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finally, back on track! i seem to like to take time off from my diets sometimes. i think i've gained a pound or two due to my recent laziness, but i am also on my period at the moment so as always, i feel fat and bloated.
yesterday i allowed myself more food then normal because i'm going to be even more strict with myself from now on. i'm pretty much sticking to egg whites, water and xenadrine now. they egg whites and water can really fill me up! it's nice. i also invested in lots of various sauces and spices to add to the eggs for some excitement. all under 10 cals a teaspoon of course!!
my breakfast this morning was a whole 66 cals isn't that wonderful? and i feel full!! normally my breakfast is even less but i had a tiny bit of honey mustard sauce instead of my usual tabasco. now i won't eat lunch, have my eggs for dinner and go jogging/walking.
see i like days like this. where i feel very motivated and positive. i am beginning to feel like this more often. that's a good sign of increasing will power and a better self esteem. :)
i am happy. well, happier. i'll be really happy once i am in the double digits!! =D
current mood: determined
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 18th, 2003
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1:06 pm
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Egg, white only, cooked - 2 = 33 cals
Salt, table - 1 dash = 0 cals
Spices, pepper, black - 1 dash = 0 cals
Tea, herbal green - 1 cup = 2 cals
Onions, young green, raw - 1/2 cup = 16 cals
total = 51 cals for one meal
X 3 times per day = 151 cals per day.
1 hour of walking at a moderate pace = 158 cals burned.
40 minutes of calisthenics light or moderate effort = 148 cals burned.
current mood:  content
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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11:48 am
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thank you XENADRINE! thank you for all the extra energy you are giving me. thank you for making me feel like i need to run around for hours. thank you for making me not want to eat.
thank you THINSIRPATION BOOK! thank you for all the skinny girls you share with me. thank you for being around when i feel like eating.
thank you all the ASSHOLES WHO EVER PUT ME DOWN! thank you for making me want to be beautiful. thank you for making me want to change. thank you for making me better.
thank you GREEN TEA AND EGG WHITES! thank you for filling me up with next to no calories. thank you for being so easy to work off.
thank you ME! thank you for the positive attitude you have right now. please keep up the good work!
current mood:  happy
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 11th, 2003
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7:15 pm
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hello again my dear friend depression. It has only been a few months since we last saw each other. I will admit, I did miss you. I am not myself if I am not depressed.
When I am depressed I like to not eat for days and days at a time. So it's a good thing you see.
It's good that I am depressed because he doesn't love me... it's good...
current mood:  confused
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
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12:18 pm
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hello again.
things were going good.. but i feel like i've gained some of what i lost back.
i'm too scared to get on a scale. today has been going well. i had some oxtail soup with a few green onions in it for a grand total of 78 calories. i figure if i have this twice a day it'll keep the dizziness away and keep me under 200 calories a day with some to spare for little things like gum and mints. i know i know... i should be sticking to 150 a day. no actually i should be under 50. but it's just to hard to do with the people i live with. if i eat at the least soup, they won't bug me as much.
i just started a new relationship. which is good. when i'm in a new relationship i get nervous about my appearance and don't eat and usually lose more weight. i've also reduced my goal weight to 85lbs. 95 is just too much
current mood: fat
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2003
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1:36 pm
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lunch went horrible. i was forced to eat. half a cup of seaweed soup... which would of been just fine. but i also ate half a cup of rice and some ham. afterwords i ate a tangerine and 2 slices of mango for a grand total of 661 calories FOR LUNCH ALONE. what the hell is that? even fat blimps don't eat that much for lunch. wait what am i saying... i am a blimp.
i spent half an hour trying to puke it all up but i can't. it won't come out. i sat there crying and gagging. but all i got was water. fucking hell shit chirst. if i didn't have the rice or ham it would of been better, not this bad. i feel like i've gained 10 pounds from lunch alone.
now i'll have to make up for this. now i can't eat at all tomorrow or the next day.
now i'm going to be super hungry and in a horrible mood. *sigh*
i took some caffeine pills to speed up my metabolism a little. after i am done work i'm going to work out some more.
why does it have to be this difficult? why???
current mood:  nauseated
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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11:35 am
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lunch is coming up and i am scared. my boss will make me eat lunch.
if she does, i'll have to purge. i hate that...
i have to go out more after work or i'll get stuck eating dinner. if i just lie and say i am eating out, no one will force food upon me. i'll go roller blading then. then sit and smoke and try to forget about how hungry i am.
i still feel good. only a little hungry.
i feel really guilty about eating that tangerine this morning. at least i worked it off.
i should try to only have the half a cup of soup and skip the tangerines. i'll see how i feel tonight.
current mood:  envious
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(comment on this)
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8:29 am
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feeling good today. trying to keep the calories under 150. already at 31 thanks to a tangerine that was calling my name.
i'll have some seaweed soup for lunch and another tangerine for dinner. if i stick to that i'll be at 149.
current mood:  anxious
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(comment on this)
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